peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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