just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
my god I love twenty year old dicks
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
