Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
