remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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