I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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