Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
