My Higher Power is John Stamos
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
