i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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