complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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