I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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