New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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