She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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