How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
