whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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