i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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