My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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