What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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