Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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