i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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