I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
