he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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