I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
