I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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