I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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