saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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