I murdered the dance floor call the cops
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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