The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
