I'm gonna have a badass scar
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
