I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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