I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
