I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
