She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
