it's too hot outside to masturbate.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
