You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
