And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
