Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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