no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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