atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
