if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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