my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
