she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
