Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
