new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
