She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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