I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
