the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
