now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
