Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
