It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
