I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
