i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Randomize
