did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
